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college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
