I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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