Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
