Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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