Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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