I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
