my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
