I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
