Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
