he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
