He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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