I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
