She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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