We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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