You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
