upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She even gives head with a lisp.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
