I'm really into asian looking animals
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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