Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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