all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
