i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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