Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
