cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
