I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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