And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
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