Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
