He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
our cab driver is having phone sex.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
