Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
