my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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