i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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