My room smells like vodka and shame
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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