dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i will never coherently bang her
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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