I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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