i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
