There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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