Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
