just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
