My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
