God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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