sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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