I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize