So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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