I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
