Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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