i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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