listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
