if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
