if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
