I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
