i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
