This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
