I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
