I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
