I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
